Jennifer's BPD Story...
“Hello, I am Jennifer. I will keep this short and sweet and to the point.
I am BPD. Sexual abuse and continual family trauma consumed the majority of my life. I am 34 years old. Single, Married and divorced and two children from two different fathers.
I was so embarrassed the first time I read about BPD. It fit me perfectly, but I was so angry. The thing was, I thought I had it all figured out. I was like a master manipulator, and boy I honestly thought I was a genius, just to find out I suffered from a personality disorder. That was humiliating. Big time!
People looked at me like I was outgoing, pretty, funny, smart. I was a good actress. Everyone loved me. I thought I could do everything. I tried just about everything. I had great boyfriends. Great jobs.
I excelled at everything I did. This is why I did this. I wanted to feel worthy and important. Every time I accomplished something I would soon realize that that nasty feeling still consumed me. What feeling. If you are a Borderline, you know what feeling I speak of. The huge ache in the middle of your chest. The one that makes you just want to go to sleep forever. The void.
Finally… FINALLY.. I was like.. what in the hell is wrong with me. I started getting real with myself. I started to ask questions. Like, why did I cheat on my boyfriend? Why doesn’t anything make me happy? How come I can’t find a career that I like. I would do a school, make a 4.0 gpa. It didn’t matter. I met and hung out with celebrities. Never mattered. I won singing awards. Didn’t matter. Awarded for Military achievements. Never mattered.
So this was what it was like. At moments I felt so smart. But the majority of the time I felt inadequate. The pain. Yuk!
So one day, a psychologist ask me, what do you want to be when you grow up? I was 31 at the time, I think. A couple of thoughts ran through my mind simultaneously. First was… what the hell?! Second was, I am already grown up, we are way past that lady. But a moment of clarity rose, and I spoke. I told the psychologist that I could care less what I did. I could care less who I was, or what I had so long as I had peace. God, just give me peace.
I have been doing meditation. I also have been using a program with self affirmations. There has been layer of layers of things to work on. But when I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself this question. What do I want? Peace. Then I stop and think what HAS to be done in this moment. I am talking chores or whatever. I keep it real simple and basic instinct. I just stop and tell myself to don’t do a damn thing except experience some peace for the moment.
See, the way I look at it is this. I have spent my whole life in emotional turmoil. People pleasing, acting.. such a tough job. I obey the law and care for my children… bottom line. Keep it simple stupid, is a saying I like to use. I am not real sure about other Borderlines but I tend to analyze the hell out of everything… and aren’t we so genius> We are really smart but just for the wrong reasons. But props to us for using what we did have to try and survive in an invalidating world.
My conclusion is this. No matter who you are or what you have or what you have done makes not a whole lot of difference. It is whether you can be at peace with yourself or not. People damn near kill themselves to be famous or rich. Only to reach it and still not find happiness. My suggestion, is what I am doing right now. Loving myself. Not beating myself up. Even if I am having a crappy day and make lots of mistakes… I say well, that is me and I accept me. By God, if it is the last thing you do, you had better love yourself because nothing will ever get any better until you do. You are human.. that is what makes you worthy? Do you hear me? You are flesh and blood!! That is the bottom line, and that is what I tell myself daily.
I would like to Thank Michael for all his time and effort. He has made this BPD thing for me so much comprehendible, enough to get a handle on it, whereas others in the area would have us feel that there is no hope, but of course there is. There always is.
You are not alone. What we BPD’s do, we DO together!!!
(And now, I say what I mean, and mean what I say. Because it is what I believe… not looking for my “self” in the reflections of others eyes!! Feels good!)